have you found your passion and/or calling? how do you know it was your passion/calling? When did you discover it?
I am passionate about design. I am very aesthetic. I like art, and music and food. I like beautiful fabrics, patterns and colors. I like the beauty and balance of nature. I used to walk around jo-ann fabrics and michaels just to look at supplies and imagine what i could make with them. I even dream of one day owning a boutique/cafe and designing elaborate events. I want to design greeting cards, and wall decorations. When ever my grandmother and her friend, who is a designer would get together to visit potential clients, i poured over their notes and looked at magazines and they even asked my opinion on things. I learned bout different types of styles and patterns. I could watch wedding shows and home design shows all day. I love fashion shows and designing clothes.
My issue is where to start? I keep trying to do something “practical” like finance/social work etc. I want to help people. But today, i realized i can do that on the side. I need to focus and pick a craft, master it and implement it. I need to add to it and oneday, I can have an empire. I know my husband would support me, but fear of failure practically cripples me. We all know not trying is also failure, so yeah. I’m a wayward child right now. Lost and afraid and confused. I know for a fact a practical job would destroy me though. I want to be able to bring vision to life and create.
I sometimes read my friend Alaina’s posts and her fears/impulses/mistakes mirror my fears/impulses its scary, but i love her determination and that she works so hard on correcting her attitudes/mistakes in order to become who she wants to be. I think i just give up because once one issue comes, I know another is right behind it and I get tired of always fighting to survive things. I am also tired of drifting along all the time and not trying to reach my destination. I have this dream of owning a boutique/cafe/planning office. I want to design and create desserts, special tea blends, dresses, jewelry, etc. I want to have live music and performers on friday nights and banging happy hours. I want to plan elaborate events and choose lighting and tile. i just want to be surrounded by beauty and art. If i don’t start ditching this “practical” mindset and adopting the “creative” one, i will forever be stuck. It’s just hard…
okay so if you and me are gonna hang out you HAVE to tell me in advance if there are others joining us so I can not look disappointed when I see it’s not just the two of us because I need time to prepare myself to talk to more than one person
“i should probably make my blog cool and add music and what not, but i hated programming so much i run from ALL coding. lol…i was actually really good at it. Since i dont have anything to do, I guess i will start reviewing and play around til my tumblr is all MEEEEEE”—
So it has once again been a while since I posted on here. My bad. A lot has changed in our lives. My dad was killed and it rocked y world, shook my faith but it made my love for Chewie stronger. He was such a blessing for me. He was by my side as soon as red cross got him to me. He helped me through so much. He helped me to find some comfort in such a horrible moment. The next month, he received his orders and he came to rescue me from the city that stole my father. Two weeks later we found out we were gonna have a baby. It has been a trying experience but we are happy about it. Sometime, being pregnant sucks so much. It has completely sucked our intimacy out. Im usually to tired and to achy/nauseous/gassy to do anything more than cuddle and sometimes even that is frustrating. I think it makes our tempers flare about crazy stuff. Chewie seems to be suffering from some of my hormones too. he never wants anything i suggest to eat and it drives me insane. we both are exhausted already adn the baby isn’t even here yet.lol
Although it has been rough being newly weds living together for the first time, right after tragedy with added pressure, I think we are doing well. sure we go to bed facing opposite directions on occasion, or we ignore each other, but other times we share in excitement and get mushier. its a coin toss but we love each other and this baby is the whole world. I can’t wait to feel the little one’s kicks and movements and to find out the sex. we have a girl’s name picked but the boy names are troubling. he has shot down all but two, and even those two he isn’t sure about. i think knowing the sex will help a lot.
right now I am 14/15 weeks and my uterus hurts.lol. Its not cramping.its more sore, like i pulled a muscle…over the whole surface. It is driving me insane and makin me really grumpy…my body aches more than usual and sometimes im unsure if it is my fibromyalgia, the pregnancy or BOTH. Either way I have no energy, im nauseous, and my joints hurt. Let’s not forget the massive headaches! I think people fail to mention all of these things for fear of people not procreating, cause i am def no longer tryna have 4 kids anymore.lol All in all im still extremely blessed to be able to carry this new life and i can’t wait to meet our shared mini-me. Chewie is going to make an amazing father and i can’t wait to see him interact with our child.
Okay, I have been promising to post about my quick engagement and marriage for a good while. Here goes:
The lover and I were skyping each other as part of our daily ritual. He and I had been fanasizing about married life for months…i think i was trying to elope in august, which is only a month after we started our relationship.lol. Any way, we were talking and somehow we were talking about marriage. He asked my time frame and i replied “ASAP?” so he and I started laughing and then he asked me “for real. what is your timef rame?” I said within the next two years, but the sooner the better, blah blah blah. He got quiet for a moment and then he was like “why do you want to marry me?” So, i naturally clammed up alittle but i told him.It all boiled down to “I love your soul” I knw, you are probably thinking “seriously?” but I really feel that way.
Back to the dramatic story… So he got all mushy and told me all the reasons he loved me and wanted to get married to me and then we had a serious moment where he suggested eloping..let’s just say there was a panic attack and two sets of misted eyes involved. We talked about the idea. In my heart it was perfect but he told me to think on it a few more days and sent me to bed (i hate when he does that.lol) I tossed and turned all night. The 7 yrs old in me was pissed i was considering it…she had our wedding all planned out. Me in purple, all my brides maids in white. He in a grey suit with a lavender top , a deep purple tie and handkerchief…blah blah blah. But seriously? It wasn’t vital… I just wanted to be his bride.
The next night, he told me we needed to wait. I was pissed…but i just said okay„ which only made him sure about waiting because I apparently can’t express my feelings about emotional stuff without clamming up and feeling like my feelings dont matter. I was heart broken. I gave up on the idea and went back to being hopeful it would happen. over the remainin week, we worked on communicting and expressing ourselves. He wourked on shutting me out, i worked on validating my own feeling.
fast forward to February 18th:
we were skyping again. I was home sick on bed rest, so i looked a triflin mess and he brought it up again…i got really nauseous and anxious (ridiculous, right?). He needed to vent about how he couldn’t figure out a decent proposal (mind you, we were best friends and were used to sharing everything…apparently he couldn’t hide this from me anymore.lol) and i told him I didn’t care about a ring (i still don’t. i’m more than likely to lose it seeing as my fingers swell and shrink constantly throughout the day), I didn’t care if it was romantic or not, i just want it to be real and from the heart. For some reason, this turned into an argument…leave it to Chewie to get mad at me for not caring about formalities and wanting it simple.lol
By the end of the night, we compromised: I didn’t need an engagement ring and he would get me the tea rose wedding band I liked (before i realized my finger dilemna). around midnight, he asked me to marry him in May when he came home. We talked about a small wedding…like our closest friends, our parents, siblings and aunt/uncles and my grandparents.We were gonna get Hoffy to officiate (she has been trying to get us together since 12th grade) and then have a picnic.I was officially engaged!
At first it was fun when everyone was congratulating us and giving us well wishes. Then came all the questions. I was tired of explaining why I had no ring, why we werent picking an exact date, that yes I understood he might get stationed somewhere I couldn’t go and might not get to see him. Tired of explaining I wasnt have bridesmaids, we weren’t having a traditional reception or ceremony. Tired of correcting the assumptions I was pregnant (how that would be possible in their minds considering he was at boot camp the months before, the one time i saw him we spent 90% of it on a train and 5% at the train station…and that he is in florida now…smh). And then there was the never ending questions about my virginity and all the advice on how to lose it -_-. I hated all the attention by day 2 after posting our engagement on fb. He was getting equally harrassed.
After all of that, we decided when he came home we would just go to the top of Federal Hill with Jenn and no one else would get to see it. There would be no need for anyone trying to control our plans or voicing opinions during our time of excitement and love. Just us and my Big-Me! We would then meet everyone for dessert and mingling at our favorite Cafe( Teavolve tea room) and then leave for our honeymoon.
Of course we eventually didnt want to wait anymore. I was already scheduled to travel to Pensacola to visit him for 4 days. Around my birthday weekend, he was like ” Babe, why dont we just elope when you get here?” I teared up a little. I asked him if he was sure and he was like ” As long as it’s you, i dont care where we are.” I had been thinking about it during the whole frustration with family and “friends” and agreed. What better way to start our marriage than alone? We are in this together. Our marriage is OUR marriage, so why not go into it with just us if we have to live it with just us? For some reason that was ultra romantic to me. I’m telling you, if it has meaning, it is romantic to me. It doesn’t matter how simple it is.
After that, I had two weeks to figure out what to wear. I found a beautiful cream Maxi dress at forever21. I had a creamy rose hair flower and a brown summer sweater. I found my uncle’s fedora and bought some beige platforms, a brown belt. Bohemian flare at it’s best. the Love decided to wear his dress blues and we were set. Since we aren’t natives of Florida, we didnt have to worry about a wait period after applying for marriage. All that was needed was to get there…..
“For the first eight years of our marriage, [Michelle and I] were paying more in student loans than what we were paying for our mortgage. So we know what this is about.
And we were lucky to land good jobs with a steady income. But we only finished paying off our student loans—check this out, all right, I’m the President of the United States—we only finished paying off our student loans about eight years ago.”—President Obama in North Carolina today on why Congress has to act to prevent interest rates on student loans from doubling (via triskaidecagon)
I just realized i gave a mini update a while ago…where the hell was I when i wrote it? lol… I’m telling you, brain fog is a BXtch! I really don’t remember the update, but my last update is better than the first one..that one was …who am I kidding? It was cool too. Oh well. Y’all now I have fibromyalgia, so if it happens again, stfu and deal.lol. Okay… i’m done ranting.lol. Back to my story, after i figure out how and where to start it.lol… Chewie is excited i’m working on our blog again. He loves I have public account of our love. To be honest, its no where as amazing as it should and could have been. I will be be taking drastic steps to pay the proper Homage to our love. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I will have another blog about my fibro and one for spiritual wellness too…and gypsy-pirate-fairy fashion and love.lol.
Wow, it has been so long since I posted anything of substance to this here blog. So much has happened! For one, he proposed; two, I took my first serious bus trip down to Pensacola to see him; three, we got married in Pensacola: it was the best decision we have ever made; four, we finally joined together physically and we decided to possibly start a family next year!
I know, huge! Monumental! Amazing! Romantic! Right? Well, since I gave you a beautiful synopsis, so to speak, let me give you a full account. I even have pictures! I am going to break up part and add pictures as I go along so I will have successfully made a gazillion posts when I am done this entire account of our new ending/beginning. I call it the ending because it was the end of life as we know it. We are no longer just two people who committed to long term, long distance relationship. We are now one unit, separated by land but together as one. SOOO ROMANTIC when I put it that way. Lol. It is the beginning of a crazy new chapter in our life. It sucks we are spending most of this chapter in separate states, in separate beds, in different time zones, but we are both in the same story. The ending of our story is shared. When one thing happens to me, it is essentially happening to both of us and vice versa. Are you ready?
Side note: I don’t know why I am narrating this so dramatically. It must be a combination of happiness, love, boredom and just my magical, dramatic and intense nature. Or…maybe it’s not dramatic, but the voice in my head just sounds dramatic as I type this. DON”T JUDGE ME! Lol… I don’t care if you think I’m weird. We both are pretty weird…some days I really think I’m he weirdest, but he’ll tell you or me otherwise (possibly to not hurt my fragile Piscean feelings…*shrugs*)
I am going to have to make a couple posts a day to really make up for lack of attention to my here love blog. Alot of hings have changed since my lsst post. I had started a few posts and never finished them. I decided to start them over. I will say one thing: i am now a navy wife!!! I know. It all happened so quickly and yet, its about time! Pussy footin around for over 8 yrs about our feelings forever and we finally wisened up and got together 9 moons ago! I can believe I am now his wife! I was prepared to wait 2 maybe 4 yrs till a wedding. I am not dissappointed in our reality, by any means. We took it oldschool rebellious and went to the courthouse. It was more “us” anyway. I didnt have to worry about stumbling over my words, if everyone approved of my dress.whether my parents were getting along. If i should have made a s”no alcohol list” for our family drunks, etc,etc. It was the way our marriage should be: just us.
I feel so much joy being his wife. He is my best friend and i know he has my back. He has been there for me through sooo much and even thouh he knows how serious mh fibromyalgia is, he is willing to support and care for me. I am the absolute luckiest girl in the world. I couldnt ask for a more loving, supportive and caring mate. He distance shit bugs me though, but i know home is where ever he is and i”ll be with him soon enough. After his enlistment, we are going to buy a big house and his camaro or mustang, travel, raise our kids and run my boutique. I can see us takin ling walks and sitting around a fire wih wine. Going to the beach and jusy relaxing. I just want a simple life filled with joyful memories and love with him. I plan on making our married life the best cause he deserves my best…im going to stop here. Good night guys
I hate that your sick, And I can't be there to take care of you, and make sure your alright. I can't just put my phone down and let you fall asleep until your feeling better. I hate being so far away especially when your in so much pain
This is very similar to a convo i had with Chewie while i was sick
SO today, the Chewster and I were discussing our sex life, and i jokingly said “so i can expect to be knocked up often” and he replied “pretty much. At least we both like kids” LMFAO… and i know he was so serious!.
Part of me( a very teeny tiny unimportant part) thinks I should be scared or put off by this, but instead it turned me on.. WTF? LOL… blame my love for kids, babies, and all things pregnancy. He is still not allowed to mention the unmentionable phrase until we can raise a kid…once those words escape his lips, there is no way of unsaying it….although i have let him slide for references to the said statement.But i told him he cant even do that anymore.. I’m doomed! LOL
I am secretly anxious to have my own lil munchkin though. I love babies and he is gonna be an AMAZING father. Empty oven syndrome is in overdrive. I need to get my health in order first…my fibromyalgia needs to be better managed, and i need to eat healthier. Also, i want to get started on my dream career, pay off some of my debt and for us to be settled into our own place first… until then, practice makes perfect! ;)
well babe im glad you getting some rest. i just want to say i love you with all my heart and my love for you will only grow and grow. Jasmine i have never loved somebody the way that i love you and everyday i will show how much i love you! Jasmine Nxxxxxx Mxxxxxxx you are my one and only true love.
I fell asleep on him last night (pharyngitis and fibromyalgia are kicking my butt!) and he got back online but I wasn’t there :( when i woke up at 4am i saw this on my screen. I have been smiling all day!
So today was … entertaining. A lot of the time i was too overwhelmed with emotions to really react “properly” to anything, but once i just acknowledged my issues and frustrations and created a mini-action plan, I was able to just be happy. Not to mention it helped me and my love to fix our communication issue. The crazy part is, we really aren’t bad at communicating. I think the stress of everyday life, with the newness of certain issues, on top of this never ending long distance situation just made us feel disconnected. It scared me, so i kinda got all dramatic, and then we ended up trying to predict what the other wanted or was gonna think. The only thing that accomplished was leave us both more upset. Eventually we just TALKED. We went back to a friendship place and just let it out there. It worked brilliantly.
I think being friends first is part of the glue holding our love together. It amplifies it, compliments it and strengthens it. Those times where we want to be everything for each other,but it just complicates situations, we need to step back into our friendship place and speak from there. As friends, we just said our peace and moved on about our day. We didn’t sugar coat anything. Somehow, by expanding our love to encompass romantic love, we started to sugar coat things too much, not wanting to make he other mad. That is NO BUENO! So from now on, i won’t get all awkward and shy about how i’m feeling because he is my lover, I will speak as he is my friend whom I am romantically involved with. I know that sounds weird, but it works in serious situations. As his lover, i want to coddle and skip uncomfortable issues, to just be lovey dovey. Nothing will ever get accomplished that way. So , what I take from this experience is that our friendship needs to be kept strong in order for our love to survive.
Oh how i love Chewie. Even with our emotions and issues rolling in like tides, we were able to smile and laugh at the end of the night as if the tides never came in. We aren’t building a sandcastle of love.If we were, i’d seriously be concerned about it being washed away. We are building a harbor: a safe harbor. And as long as we have love, we will continue to build. He is my home: My safe haven. Fuck the tides of life! it’s just water! lol